Profile

My posts are kind of like the old adage about monkeys and typewriters and Shakespeare: I tend to post a lot of crap, but buried in all of that is a golden gem of a post that makes some sort of sense.

In my past, I have been a pizza girl, a Disney cast member, and I did some time at the Gap.

I have two spawn and a Mr. Coconut and three cats, one of whom is trying for the world's record in the "fattest cat in the history of all time EVER" category. He is pushing 21 pounds and, along with eating, pushing is the only verb I can attribute to him. They are, in order of weight: Lord Percy Percy Baldrick Blackadder the II, Prince Regent of England (Yes, he is both titles. He is big enough for two), or Percy for short (also: Percella, Percephina, Percephone, Pooja, and asshole), The Joker, and Harvey Dent.

I was born in 1869 on the sailing ship "Fortuna," daughter to a Portugese mulled wine merchant, Rodrigo Antonio Carlos Jorge Smith, and an exotic dancer courtesan/spy for the CIA, Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca III.

Disowned by my family at age 9 for reasons I can't talk about while under a gag order, I moved my my family of cats and lemurs to the North Country of South Florida, where all the lemurs promptly died of the cold and all the cats contracted dysentary from a particularly nasty game of Oregon Trail.

At the tender age of 15, I was well on my way to world domination when I secretly orchestrated the formation of Tickle Me Elmo when PBS suddenly decided that mind control and toxins were "not in the best interests of the corporation and maybe I should seek some help."


Not fettered by this setback, I then tried my hand at integrating into modern 21st century society by employing such rare tactics as bathing daily and remembering to wear pants in public. This scheme worked and I have forged a very realistic public persona. In the comfort of my ultra-awesome villain's lair, bedecked in only the finest mid-century decor including shag carpeting and one of those egg chairs, I still plot my come back to this day...in between watching Torchwood and Psych and trying to learn circular knitting on DPNs.

In public, I am known as a gymnastics coach. Having practiced for many years to perfect Olympic-style moves such as the forward roll and the Walk Across the Beam without Falling, I now teach the youth of today everything I know*.

I am also 1 part Scottish, 1 part Irish, and 100% conflicted inside because of it. I think I might be adopted or an alien or a lovechild of a secret affair since my mum has red hair and blue eyes and my dad has black hair and green eyes and they are both righties and I ended up a brown-eyed, brown-haired lefty.

In 2009, the once cold trail that led to me became hot again when a former MI-5 agent spotted me in the back of a Pei Wei. I was unable to elude him thanks to the Thai Dynamite sitting like a spicy, well, explosion in my tummy, so I had to skip town. I now reside in Orange County, home of traffic, traffic, traffic, toll roads, and tourists who create the traffic when they get lost trying to find Disney.

Little known facts:
My full name is featured on a Counting Crows song.
I have a crush on Rick Moranis that won't quit after working Honey, I Shrunk the Audience
You must keep smelly markers away from me if you know what is good for me
I once lived in a place called "Lakeland" which is "All Naked" rearranged.
My kids love the Rolling Stones, The Kaiser Chiefs, NAAST, and Queens of the Stone Age because they have awesome taste in music.
I can do HARD on Guitar Hero
One of my best friends has a picture of her at Disney and I am in it as a cast member. Taken 8 years before we met. Look at your photo albums of Disney vacations. I am EVERYWHERE.

Things that annoy me:
The words "boneless" and "ghosted"
First person present tense (both simple and continuous)
postal holidays
unecessary apostrophe's
iguanas in the road that refuse to move
iguanas in the trees that threaten to fall or poop on you
iguanas under my car on a hot day that scare the shit out of me when they run
iguanas
the vending machine being out of Cherry Coke
natalie merchant's voice
people who like being serious all the time
it being 80 degrees in February.





*Ok, you got me. I am actually a USA Gymnastics certified coach and damned proud of it, too.